An odd error of biblical proportions!

This is just in people! Apparently, a bible-reading 26-year-old man from Singapore tried to steal something valuable that, after a fair trial, landed him in jail for four months. Now what this person tried to steal was not money, not gold, not a car, certainly not love. He tried to steal a Bible! He just needed a new copy of the Bible, since the one back home was quite battered and worn out.

What amazes me is that how the Bible at home got so worn out in the first place, considering that this gentleman must have never reached the page containing the eighth commandment ‘Thou shalt not steal!’

The district judge Bala Reddy presided over the case, and presented a small gift to the accused shoplifter having prior unsuccessful pilfering experience. As our aspiring ‘new’ Bible owner opened the gift, his original purpose was accomplished; the glossy gift-wrapping paper contained a brand new shiny divine Bible. And what more could he have asked for, he now has four dedicated, uninterrupted months to read it, especially the part which explains that there is no such thing as “petty theft” in God’s sight, the character of those who steal a little is the same as those who steal a lot!

More of this news here!

Its a weird weird world!

Its a weird weird world!

Quite recently I got introduced to the world of weirdness. It was not a very pleasant introduction, considering the weirdness of it all, but nonetheless quite entertaining.

The weird world did not have any preconceived notions about ‘what’s proper’, and the words apt, right, suitable, correct and sane were excluded from its insanely small dictionary. When I asked him to describe himself in two words, he used a couple of hundred instead, which struck me as quite odd. Either he did not know how to count, or that was the way he counted.

It all started with gossiping couples at a bar. Not really, but who is going to know! Apparently, a happily married couple, with a ten-month-old infant, went to a bar. Didn’t anybody think that was odd? What was a couple with small baby doing in a bar? Shouldn’t they be in a more family friendly environment, where you know, people DONT SMOKE? Whatever their excuse, they were there in that Czech bar, presumably with the infant, since otherwise why would anyone comment on the baby? So here they are, with fellow drinkers noticing the color of the baby’s hair, which was blonde, whereas both parents had dark hair. How on earth did these people, after a couple of drinks, notice the color of this baby’s hair? Doesn’t it all become fuzzy after a little while?

So here are these drinkers, persistently gossiping about a baby, in a pub, with a baby, gossiping about the baby’s hair. Now that is really weird! So one thing led to another, like it usually does in bars and pubs. And the couple somehow got themselves tested for DNA. Usually couples find themselves married, with strange tattoos or piercings, and filing for annulments, now that’s a nasty surprise. But our loving happy pub frequenting couple, got a different kind of surprise. The baby was not theirs! A quick mix-up at the hospital, and now we have a baby lying in a pub with two strangers, and a lot of weird drinkers commenting about his hair. The saddest aspect of this case is hard to decide, whether it is the premature exposure to cigarette smoke, or going through ten months of his life without knowing his true parents.

But on the brighter side, the baby will not have to hear taunts and gossip about his ‘weird colored’ hair from his peers during his childhood, teenage and adult life.

For more or less of this story, check out this news!

More weird world talk soon, very soon.

Live earth live!

There are different types of people on earth. A select few keep their homes as well as their surroundings clean. These are mostly environmentalists and are highly intelligent and sane people. They recycle all products, refuse to use plastic bags for shopping, and use hybrid cars, bicycles or skates. These people are generally frowned upon due to their extreme respect for nature and earth. But they don’t really care since they know how important their actions are. These people realize that every bit counts and they keep doing their bit.

Another set of people do not care much about dust, environment, pollution, garbage or cleanliness. They choose to overlook all things bad. They believe that ignorance is bliss. Anywhere they go, they pollute.  

The vast majority however have somewhat dual values. They keep their homes spick and span, but don’t think twice littering the streets. These people seek to have a plush and rich life, in the midst of dust, garbage and pollution. What they fail to realize is that outside air will eventually come in. These people are living a life away from reality. Or so they think.

If only we tried to understand the state of the earth this very moment.

Global warming is a reality, and you have been feeling its effect since the last few years. The earth is warming up and temperatures are increasing everywhere. Man made pollution is causing the earth’s core to heat up. And what are the results? Famine and flood!

Since the earth’s core is heating up, Artic and Antarctic ice caps are melting. Melting glaciers have increased the ocean water levels, resulting in tsunamis and floods in coastal cities worldwide. With increased temperatures in the earth’s core, volcanoes are erupting more frequently and remaining active. Volcanoes are the natural means for decreasing core temperature, so more the core temperature, more the number of eruptions. We have already witnessed the devastation created by volcanoes, creating massive tsunamis that have destroyed human life.

Another effect of the rising temperature is that oceans are now increasingly warmer. This has destroyed many precious plant and animal species that were wonders of life. Above all, high temperatures are causing increased evaporation, with huge amounts of rain and global flooding.

The average overall temperatures all around the globe are increasing. Weather is becoming more violent and unpredictable, with tornadoes and violent storms lurking around the corner. Increasing temperatures also mean high number of health problems, diseases and epidemics.

So what can you do about it? You may think its the responsibility of the government or the NGOs or the garbage cleaners. No its not, atleast not your part. You need to do your bit. Only then can you tell others to do theirs.

Start by switching off equipment you do not use. Computers, television, air conditioners, lights, anything that you are not using must be turned off. There are many other tips that can help conserve the environment, reduce the earths temperature and let earth live.

Check out www.oneearth.org and www.liveearth.org for more information.

Remember, we have only one home, one earth!

Passport to marriage

A zillion internet jokes are doing their daily rounds about the harsh realities of marriage. A majority of them usually address the manly-point-of-view, how men lose their invaluable ‘bachelor’ freedom, after being coaxed into a lifetime agreement of being bossed around, and how all roads to marriage end up in forfeiting half or more of their wealth.

Being fair and just, I would say it’s only a natural course set out for the supposedly intelligent species to ensure its existence.

A free independent frolicking man cannot suddenly be transformed into a loyal caring loving husband and by extension a similar traited father. For every fruitful reaction there is required a strong assertive action.

So if the desired reaction is replacing the free abandon of the male species with firm unswerving loyalty, the suitable action is the divorce law. Considering no pre-nuptial agreements have been signed, losing a chunk of wealth is more painful than being with a single woman. Since this might not work for all men, the private detective agencies are now known to be minting money, which usually is extorted from the man being spied upon.

Another desirable reaction is the loving caring nature of the male species, with a few tears sprinkled here and there to reflect their sensitive feminine side. My suggestion for this is woman-tears! Those diamond-like drops are known to work miracles; empires have been destroyed and battles have been lost all because of these deadly pearls. Onions and teardrop solutions have always come in handy. If the man is too rugged or just plain unromantic, try administering a legal dose of estrogen tablets, although that might sometimes result in losing future prospects of acquiring any fortune after the law suit that would follow.

And to mend the gross manly habits cultivated over time, the best solution is constant nagging. Its easier to change habits overnight than listen to the high pitched shrilly tones of the female voice range.

Well that said, the woman does give up a hell lot in return. Starting with her name, her very identity; that which she has been known for almost half of her life. Renounced! Abandoned! Lost in time! All in the name of the marriage. Followed by a change of address; transformation to a homemaker; and then permanent weight gain!

The path through marriage is far from simple, for both the man and the woman. In most cases, the woman sacrifices her passport in the burning pyre of marriage. The man is still unaware he is being transformed bit by bit, every day, into the perfect man his wife always dreamed of marrying!

Back to the future

Quite recently some scientists proclaimed with much regret that time travel to the past is not theoretically possible since the fourth dimensional time cannot be traversed in the backward direction. If that’s true, there go all my chances of being somebody in life! Somebody rich and famous, influential and adored, and having a ball of a time right this very moment!

Contrary to the new theory, if time travel to the past is possible, then we would chance to see a technologically advanced space-time continuum traveler from the future traveling back to our present. And we would most certainly detect the strangeness of that traveler, in his clothing, language or eating habits. So next time you meet someone weirdly creepy, don’t stare at him incessantly or mock him pointlessly, for he could zap you somewhere in the past or in the future if you start to get on his nerves, or for no reason at all! Unless of course, if you are flunking in math, random time travel might just be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Some other cult of scientists claim that time travel to the past is possible, but you will not be able to change a thing! It will be like watching a long movie about you. Boy, now wouldn’t that be boring!

And what’s the point going all the way back in time if I cannot tweak a few things here and there? There are, I might add, quite a number of things I would want to change!

Say for instance, the day when I placed a huge bet on ‘Speedo’ the racehorse. Boy, I would give anything to change that to ‘Sluggy’ the puny pony. Who would have thought that Sluggy had a few quick gallops up his sleeve, and that Speedo had short attention span disorder!

Another crucial event of my life I would have fiddled with is the day I decided to adopt morality as virtue! All those bribes rejected and favors declined have brought me nothing but threatening calls, 24-hour security and job switching from country to country! I would start the anti-morality drive right now, but my image is too tainted for anyone to believe me anyways!

I say that my best repose now is to time travel to the future. It would be lovely to meet and interact with like-minded people like myself, since that is such a rare commodity in the present. Plus, I would maybe get to hitch-hike with a space traveler too, explore exotic worlds filled with exotic matter and exotic people, much like Hawaii, and not have to go back to the future ever again! Back to my real future!

Meet Mr. President Clone

Once upon a time, there was Dolly. Dolly the sheep. Oblivious to the fact that after several failed attempts, she was the first sheep to be cloned using reproductive cloning technique from her donor twin sister Polly; Dolly went on to live a ‘famous by birth’ life. Actually, “Baa Baa Black Sheep” was more famous than her. Although Dolly never got to know what open meadows looked or smelled like, she did have a Bonnie baby. She now stands lifeless and in peace amidst a bunch of hay in a museum in Edinburgh.

The success of Dolly triggered a series of experiments on humans. Like all great inventions in the world, which later on turn out to be really bad for human existence, like say nuclear bombs, machine gun or war against terrorism, the success of human cloning was marketed extremely well by the Logically Unethical Cloning Knowledge-corps., just my luck!

This miraculous invention, for the rich and famous, was a new breath of life, a nip here a tuck there with a live tissue, a new face-lift, the dawn of organic plastic surgery, without the plastic. Already wondering what to do with all that stash of cash under the sofa set, and unable to adopt any more kids from the third world, getting a cloned copy was the new ‘in’ thing.

Not far behind were the politicians, who had always hunted for scapegoats for their poor decisions and incoherent statements. Now they could just blame it all on the harmless clueless clone, and then terminate the poor thing, or better still send it to fight the war against terror.

The middle class were the next to experience a whole new world of opportunities. Trouble at home? Get a clone to do your chores, fix that sink, clean that room. Tired of your nagging wife? Replace yourself with a clone while you are out playing golf. The opportunities were endless, imagination was the key.
 
Meanwhile, scientists had been freezing up the DNA samples of all endangered species, so that they can clone them in the future. Tigers, lions, pandas, elephants and flamingos had all joined the extinct list. The only animal life surviving were Ms. Hilton’s pet Chihuahua, Winnie the Pooh in Disneyland and a lone parakeet somewhere in New Zealand. The Chihuahua was genetically stupid-ifyed to bark out an equally dumb line, ‘It’s hot”.

Astounded by the stupidity of humans, and fed up of all the inhumane torture inflicted upon them, the clones decided to strike back. After destroying all the cloning production houses and the damning technology, they drove all humans out of their houses and shipped them to an unknown address in outer space. They then set up a new political party and the brainiest clone has now been elected as the new president.

Meet Mr. President, President (You Choose) Clone.

Beauty in a box..

I am lucky to be a woman. Apart from the fact that I am the proud member of the more fairer, composed, reliable, faithful, nonviolent, war loathing, mature, emotion-driven, kind and loving, humble, gentle, saner, life bearing gender; I am also important enough to now have a large industry toiling all day and burning midnight oil just to cater to my needs.

Take a short trip to the supermarket near you, and you will know what I mean. I have now at my disposal everything imaginable right from downright essentials to exotic perfumes, lotions, face masks, organic products, slimming pills, herbal tea, and hi-tech electronics just to make me more beautiful.

Of course, since I am so perfect to start with, I rarely would need all these multitude of products, but my excessive compulsive urge for shopping till my balance drops to zero always gets the better of me. I usually stock up my favorite lotions and perfumes, just in case there is a natural calamity and all roads to the supermarket are inaccessible.

As per a survey* conducted on woman perceptions, a majority of woman perceive their beauty through the eyes of the beholder. Now that is somehow a paradox, since another survey* concluded that women spend an enormous amount of time staring at their own reflections. They also seem to get bewildered, amazed, glad and sad all at the same time. No wonder we are famous for being experts on multitasking.

Anyways, somewhere in my making, as in the making of any other woman, this unusual hormonal imbalance was created, which made us always seek out approval of others, either directly or in a subtle fashion. This particular abnormality is the reason I always strive to be look prettier than I am today. Not that I am pretty today, but I strive anyway.

Of course growing more prettier over time is not naturally possible, atleast not for non-celebrities like me. Maybe its because I do not have the privilege to be in and out of rehabs, prisons, marriages or law suits at my whim and fancy. Either that or I cannot afford to laze around in the spa all day.

The only chance I have got is to step into my walking shoes, and hit the beauty floor. I pop all the thought bubbles from the angel perched on my right shoulder that preaches “Outward perception of beauty is not as important as the inner, long lasting, more powerful and ever increasing attractiveness of my beautiful mind.”

As I submissively surrender my card to the cashiers whopping bill, the devil on the left smirks, “Congratulations, you are now doomed to end up being a mere beauty in the box!”

*The surveys are fabricated, so its advisable not to attempt validating the authenticity.

Valentine blues

Its a cynical world, almost every day you are being judged on your AQ (Attractiveness Quotient) and the rest of the days you are left to deal with the loneliness of your soul. Its tough to find an ideal partner, atleast slightly more saner than the entire lot, since there’s no such thing as a perfect match. Its even tougher to hold on to one.

Holidays harass you with nasty wake up calls, especially from your mother, telling you that you are not getting any younger.  Be it Christmas, where you have to watch loved ones having grand dinners while you are defrosting your stale bread, or the even crueler Valentines day, where hearts float in the sky instead of clouds and couples holding hands make you want to catch the next train, literally.

One sure way to escape this charade is to lock yourself up in your house, a week prior to and after the gloomy day. Changing your voicemail greeting to indicate you are on a romantic vacation with your date on an exotic island, would stop those calls from your mother for atleast a short period of time.

Another way is actually taking that vacation. Of course there wouldn’t be the love of your life, your soul mate, staring at you with intense admiration, thinking that you are the most attractive person ever created on earth, someone he/she had been waiting for all his/her life, or even beyond the realm of time and space. But you know that is just too far fetched to be true, and only meant to exist in fiction.

So why wait for a soul mate to take that relaxing rejuvenating vacation, away from it all. Apart from being without any strings attached, you will have the added advantage of not having to spend a fortune.

So come Valentine or any other holiday that would otherwise leave you with depressing blues, pack your bags and explore the globe instead! And there just might be someone looking for you at the other side of the world!

The shape of my earth..

In every time space continuum, there exists an idea that seems preposterous to the majority view points. Over a period of a few thousand years, the converse becomes true. The once outlandish theory becomes the established truth, with very few rebellious thinkers opposing this now accepted fact.

On what premise one accepts or opposes a theory can be mostly illogical. I for one have no logical reason to believe that the earth is what they say an egg shaped orange, or more precisely an oblate spheroid. So what if I see a spherical earth on google earth, or one of those pictures published by NASA, I have not actually seen it with my own pair of eyes. Some argue that so is the case with God, love or UFOs. But these are not measurable objects to start with, except maybe the UFOs. And I have a strong feeling that I will be seeing one pretty soon.

Anyways, the truth is, my assumption lies entirely on photographs I have not taken, movies I have not made, software I have not developed. But there is one event that can be considered as proof, although my physics basics have become a bit rusty. How come the earth’s shadow on the moon is always a circle or part of a circle in the event of a lunar eclipse. Now that is something I can experience and use to draw conclusions, however incorrect they maybe.

I could also set out with my faithful SLR, a compass and a frequent flyer membership, to different points on earth, where skies are generally visible at nights. I could make a series of measurements as to when and where the constellations rise from the horizon. I most probably will also need an astronomer and a mathematician. Somehow, with their help, I will be able to determine the shape of the earth.

Flying from point A to point B will also solve the problem of falling off the edge of the earth into the abysses of vast nothingness, lest the earth is in fact flat. I hear the sailors of the past had rated falling off the edge of earth while sailing with some crazy adventurers, who in reality had become adventurers just to get away from their nagging wives, as the topmost fear in the first century sailors’ magazine. The entry for second most fear rated involved something about being with the adventurers’ nagging wives.

I do have another option, and I am hoping that some day well before my eyes go blind, some rich multibillionaire would build a skyway path right upto our waning moon. I assume the moon will be equally delighted and will start waxing again. It would then be possible for all skeptics, who usually are as financially unfortunate as I am, to walk upto the moon and witness for themselves the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I havent as yet figured out how the skyway with cope with the rotations, revolutions of the earth and the moon. But I am not the architect here, so let the professionals figure out the details.

I am open to any new ideas as far as the shape of the earth is concerned, as long as there are ways to prove them. After all, a preposterous idea of today, could be the proven fact of tomorrow.

Blistering barnacles!

Uggh! Please excuse my language, but its not everyday that I get to use adjectives for conveying my emotions. My emoticons do a beautiful job at that, thank you very much. In fact, it feels quite unnatural to me to form complete sentences with correct grammar. And lets not forget the language-no-bar audibles.

In fact, I cant remember the last time I actually wrote something on a piece of paper. Yes that thin piece of writing material made out of wood from a desolate tree somewhere in Africa. I used to own a black slate and a chalk once. Ancient, I know!

Anyways, the reason for my sudden outburst of adjectives is that, what have we done! Created a generation of kewl ya, in da, bfns? They say its always difficult to communicate between generations. But this is outrageous! Its one thing not to understand the rationale behind something, another to not understand the language itself.

Therefore I have a petition for all the m-w and oxford folks. Please publish a pocket sized translation book for abbreviations, sms terminology and chat dialect. Also, mail me a free copy since I was the one to come up with this million dollar idea!

And since I am on the ‘winning idea’ streak, heres one more! How about I do not make a wish on any more mails I get, that tell me to make a wish and then forward the mail to umpteen people or else my wish will not come true. Since when did mails become angels, granting your wishes and just asking for your endless time in return?

And there are avenging angels too, which say if you delete the mail, something really BAD will happen to you. What if I decide to be bad myself, and delete that mail, would I have to spend the rest of my life awaiting fretfully the most certain tragedy? I rather believe in voodoo!

Heres what I do when I receive such mails, its simple and believe me completely harmless. Shift-Delete!

And if the rest of the content is good enough to waste someone elses time, I simply edit out the “blistering barnacles” part, and dispatch off the rest on the information super highway.